I’ve been toying around with the idea for this post for a long time. The truth is, I wasn’t sure about “baring my soul” like this in such a public way. But then I actually got a comment here on my blog asking me about exactly this, so I thought if my story could help someone, it would be worth it to share.
As many of you know, I’m now a single mom. I never talked much about my ex husband here when I was still married for various reasons, and I don’t really want to start now. But I will talk about my divorce and how I handled clean eating through the process.
I will admit that I am one of the very lucky few who had a peaceful divorce. Both of us managed to remain grownups about the whole thing and we kept Mini Chef’s best interests at heart though the entire process. We never even argued over who would get what. I just sort of packed my things and moved out. At the time, I focused on the fact that we were moving so that I could get Mini Chef into the school I really wanted him to attend. But the truth was, I had to get out. I had to be free.
To be honest, I ate a lot less clean while all this was happening. Even now sometimes, it’s just easier to go out to dinner when the house is a wreck and I haven’t made it to the grocery store.
The guilt
I find it easy to feel a huge weight of guilt when I can’t be super mom, have a clean sparkling apartment and a fantastic dinner on the table each and every night. But I think most moms find it easy to feel that way. I just try to remind myself that I am only one person, and there are only so many hours in the day.
It’s not easy to eat clean when you are going through crisis. Not just because it’s hard to get out of bed, let alone into the kitchen, but also because old habits tend to kick in very quickly. Exercise is the first to go (at least for me) and convenience food somehow magically finds it’s way back into my refrigerator. Anything I can just grab and eat without having to cook is what I go for. Crackers, bread, anything that doesn’t involve actually doing anything.
But I really didn’t do too badly. I did manage to continue cooking enough clean dishes to post here every other day, and when we did/do go out for dinner, I did/do my best to choose restaurants that have good quality food. You won’t ever catch me going through a drive-through, even during a crisis. But restaurants with good food are my downfall.
Be kind to yourself
Truthfully, I think you have to learn to be forgiving of yourself at times like these, and also to realize that nourishing yourself with good food is one of many ways to heal yourself.
Healthy food can be so comforting. I loved my lentil soup and chicken & dumplings during this time, and I tried not to be too hard on myself if the kitchen was too much of a wreck for me to even do any real cooking. I know you aren’t supposed to turn to food for comfort, but frankly, it was one of the few places I found comfort. So I really tried to focus on keeping it clean and healthy, even if I wasn’t losing weight like I would have liked.
Be open to change
One of the things I’m learning as I continue to try to lose weight is that you absolutely have to be open and willing to change as a person. You can’t lose a lot of weight and expect to be the same person at the end. It doesn’t work. So being open to that, being willing to come out the other side a different person, is a vital component of a major change. This is something I’m only now realizing and starting to open up to.
I think everything I’ve been through over the past few years, including my divorce, has had me clinging onto the old me because change is scary. But it’s also essential.
And just for the record, I’m not talking about changing your core beliefs or about going from being a sweet person to being a jerk. I’m talking about the emotional change and the change in daily living habits that have to happen for change to happen. Major change doesn’t happen unless you change. And crisis has a way of changing you. You have to open yourself up to that change so that it becomes constructive instead of destructive.
Now that I’m standing on my own two feet, I’m realizing just how different of a person I am now, and that’s a good thing. Maybe that change happened under not-the-best of circumstances, but it happened. I think you have to allow that when you go through any sort of major life change.
Food can play such a major role in that change. It can literally hurt you or help you. But it should never be a source of guilt. You have to get to a place in your head where you view food as a means to heal yourself. It’s not easy, to be sure. Particularly when cooking feels overwhelming as it did for me. I find that even something as simple as taping a note to the fridge to remind yourself to heal yourself with good foods can really help at times like this. It’s all about your frame of mind and approach.
Take the time you need
It’s so hard going through times of crisis and I believe that the key to surviving it is to get plenty of “me time” where you can really reflect on the best ways to take care of yourself and your body. Even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and sit on the toilet to meditate and reflect (which I have done on several occasions), it’s worth it to come back to yourself. Because it’s only in those moments when you connect with yourself that you begin to realize how critical it is to be kind to yourself during these times. And being kind to yourself really does involve nourishing your body appropriately. Healthy food really does heal.
What a great post. I wish you well on your journey to peace of mind and body. We’ll be hear to support you.
Hot to – Thanks so much!
Thanks for your message and honesty! You said “the emotional change and the change in daily living habits that have to happen for change to happen. Major change doesn’t happen unless you change.” hit home. How many times do we want things to change in our lives and then just sit there waiting for our circumstances to change instead of being the change we need to happen.
Carrie – Absolutely. Nothing changes if we don’t change! Unfortunately, in a time of crisis that is usually asking too much. But once you come out the other side, it’s important to take things head on!
I’m very sorry to hear about this, Tiffany, and I pray that you will find wholeness as you heal–you and your son, and ex. Many blessings to you, and food is a comfort to us. It is a gift, so don’t beat yourself up about finding comfort in it, just try to find comfort in healthy comfort food. With much love, Shari
Shari – Yes, thank you. I’ve managed to eat clean for the most part during all of this. It’s the slip ups that I’m working hard not to feel guilty for. I’ll get there. 🙂
Thanks for your honesty! This was such a helpful reminder to stay-the-course and eat right as part of our healing during times of crisis…besides I really do feel better when I eat right!!! Sliding back into old unhealthy eating doesn’t work…healthy choices can become our lifetime habit that we lean on!!! 🙂
Bonnie – I agree! It takes some effort, but learning to lean on NEW choices is definitely a good way to get through a crisis.
Tiffany, Thank you for posting this! I have been thinking about this very issue. I went through a very difficult 4 years and I just didn’t care about eating well. In the back of my mind I knew of all times that I would benefit from eating well, but I was sooo overwhelmed. Through that I gained about 25lbs. My life has settled and I am now making it a priority to take care of my me. I do wish I had taken better care of myself but I do not feel guilty about it. I choose to just move forward and chalk it up to a learning experience.
I wish you the best Tiffany. Thank you for your transparency.
Deb – That’s exactly the right attitude. You can’t beat yourself up for HOW you handle a crisis. You just have to get through it and come out the other side ready to do what you have to do.
Very timely message for me as I am going through the same change! Regrettably, my health has suffered, but I haven’t lost my faith that better is on the other side of this! I am just starting to get back into the hang of cooking healthy on a much more limited budget than ever, and I thank you for the encouragement to forgive myself for not always having it perfect! Bless you!
Belinda – Hang in there! I can’t promise it will get easier, but I can promise at some point, it will be worth it. You’ll find your way again.
I appreciate you sharing your story. I think it is a personal decision, and one I have the utmost respect for in regards to anyone’s choices. I can totally relate, as life after divorce is not what anyone could or would expect unless you have been there yourself. YOU, my lovely, are a blessing to so many. (((((HUGS))))) to you and mini chef!!!
Toni – Thank you! Right back atcha!
I want to thank you for writing this personal story. I’m getting ready to embark on this journey myself after 26 years of being married and I’m scared to death. Scared of the changes it will make in my life and scared for my own health as already I have made some very bad choices. Everyone always tells me how it will eventually get better but somehow I just can’t see it yet although it was my decision to do this.
Marybeth – Don’t try to see the other side. You won’t be able to right now. Just keep in mind that you are doing the right thing for yourself and then take it one day at a time. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that things are “suddenly” better.
I have been following for a long time now but this by far is a post I can REALLY relate too. I am so glad that you shared your story because it’s my story! Just know that everything will be alright:-)
Nakia – Thank you! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your personal story. ‘Healthy food really does heal’ is really resonating for me, thank you for that gentle yet so important reminder.
Jenn – My pleasure! I think some people (including myself) work so hard not to let food be comfort that we forget there is actually a healthy approach in that respect.
Thank you for being so courageous & strong for sharing. It’s been 9 yrs past since mine which was an ugly one. I can say I am lighter and happier now in so many ways. Truly take 1 day at a time & be kind to yourself. My 2 children came out beautifully. I can attest it is better and you will discover so many wonderful things if you want to. Keep moving forward. Never ever give up.
Denise – Thank you! 😀 One day at a time!!
Great post! I came out of a TERRIBLE divorce after an abusive and destructive marriage. I have an AMAZING life now but you are correct, there are times where you just have to live and mourn and change. I fought really hard to make our marriage work and I eventually had to admit that it wasn’t me. Three years of counseling made a hugh difference and I have moved on in a big way. While divorce is hard you learn so much about yourself and your strength. This blog is a good place to work through things!
Christi – It really is amazing how it changes you!! Good for you for doing what’s right for you!!!
I was just wondering if you had divorced yesterday and then this post! I noticed your wording only included you and Mini Chef and the husband part had dropped. I wish you and MC the best and I’m glad you took necessary steps to safeguard your happiness. Thanks for sharing with everyone. I tried making a major change this past year (I went back to work full time. I also have 5 little ones at home!) and it was hard. Not the same as going thru a divorce, but in regards to losing my path on clean eating. We’ve eaten out alot, and overall I don’t feel as well as I did when I was CE. I came back to your blog, which I hadn’t visited for a great while to recharge. I had to quit that job as it just wasn’t overall the best for me and my family.
Wishing you days filled with love and laughter. and good clean food! 🙂
Keri – Thanks so much! It’s not always easy to be able to stay home. Good for you!
Just found your blog after looking for a quinoa tortilla recipe. While looking on your site, I found this post. First, let me say that I’m sorry to hear about your marriage ending. But, second, I can relate. I’ve been going through a divorce for the past 2 years. Thank you for posting this entry. I’m trying to get back into shape and have been feeling crummy because I haven’t been taking care of myself and eating right. Looking forward to the rest of your site.
Irene – Welcome! Divorce is a hard and tricky thing. Never beat yourself up for getting through it. Just be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be. You deserve it.
thank you for your soul bearing article, It comes at the right time for me, my company that I’ve worked at for the past 24 years will be closing within the next 2 1/2 years. We kinda had a feeling something was going on but didn’t know it was going to be this quick. It is a medical company that makes critical care surgical kits. They are ‘Restructuring’ and sending everything to the Mexico and Chezh plants. This means about 670 people will be without a job just at the plant I work at. Needless to say we are all devastated. But we will get through it. We will all be tighten the belt so to speak. It would be so easy to eat something unhealthy and justify it by having a ‘Pity Party’ . I just want to thank you for your honesty !
Karen – Oh no! I’m so sorry! That’s awful!! It’s good that you have a little time to figure out your next move though. I wish you and all the people there all the best. That’s not an easy thing to go through!
What a great post. The first step to healing is recognition. That’s the beginning of knowing who you really are. Scheduling “me time” is also so important. You are so on the right path. Thank for being honest and transparent. May God continue to guide you, keep you and bless you while on this amazing journey called LIFE (Live In Freedom Everyday)!
Sandra – Thanks so much! 🙂
Karen,
Very excited to have found your site articles on getting started toward a cleaner way of life and looking at food.
Was drawn to this particular article with a death in my family on my heart, your article is encouraging and your soul open. Bless you!!
Looking forward to your newsletter and colorful website to help get me started and stay encouraged.
Hugs to you and Mini Chef, he sounds adorable!!!
Kerry – Thank you! I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and take the time you need. It’s not easy, but those wounds do eventually stop hurting so much.
Thank you for this post. I understand and appreciate it!
Robyn – My pleasure!
Thank you for this. I really needed it. My husband and I have been split up for about a month now and I am just starting on the road to clean eating. I have an almost 1 year old and some days it’s just easier to spread some Nutella on a piece of toast or eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this journey. 🙂
Cari – It’s so hard. The one thing I’m learning about stressful situations is that you absolutely have to check in with yourself on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis and ask yourself what it is you need in this moment and then ask how it will serve you. Will it serve you in a positive way? Will it help you get through things and recover? I’m going through it now again with this nightmare move. It will take time, but you will come out the other side of this being better than before. That’s what hard times do to us. They make us stronger. Hang in there! You will get through this!